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Ask Doctor Down-Down: March 2005

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

My hash mates have been pressuring me to get off my arse and hare a trail. I’ve been hashing for years but have never set trail. I’m not a good runner, and worry about getting caught. Actually, I worry a great deal about getting caught – to be absolutely frank, I’m terrified. What can I do, Doctor Down-Down?

On On,
Too Scared to Hare

Dear Too Scared,

From your letter it’s clear you belong to a hash kennel with a tradition of live haring. There are live hare kennels and dead hare kennels, and in both types of kennel there are miscast hashers: older and slower members of live hare kennels who wish they could pre-lay trail; younger and faster members of dead hare kennels who dream of catching a live hare. Alas, you can’t change tradition, so you’ll just have to screw up your courage and lay a live trail.

I understand your fear, and I’d be dishonest if I said there was no danger of being caught, but the techniques I’m about to describe will help you lay a successful trail while staying ahead of the pursuing pack. Just remember this, no matter which technique you use: keep up the pretense of live haring. Every hare cheats to some degree, but none will admit to it, and nor should you.

If you’re a head-of-the-pack runner, of course, you can just grab your haring kit and go. All you need to worry about is using up your head start with checks, loops, and bad trails, so be sure to carry a stopwatch and keep track of your time.

If you’re a middle-of-the-pack runner, go out one to two hours early and pre-lay your longer bad trails and loops. This will allow you to take maximum advantage of your head start, live haring just the basic trail from start to finish.

If you’re a back-of-the-pack runner, ask a good runner to co-hare with you. Have your co-hare run the complete trail, marking the middle portion. You mark the first part, then detour off trail to a place where you can intersect and mark the last part. Alternately, have your co-hare mark the first two-thirds of the trail while you run straight to a point where you can begin marking the last third. Both techniques require a circular, “A to A” trail.

If you’re a walker, plan to pre-lay at least the middle two-thirds of your trail. Live hare the first portion, hide in a ditch or behind a fence until the pack passes, then detour straight to a point where you can pick up and lay the last portion. Once again, you’ll need to plan an A to A trail.

If you’re not only a walker, but a fat, out-of-shape swine to boot, pre-lay nine-tenths of your trail. Run the first tenth, then hop in the car you stashed ahead of time (don’t forget to bring your keys!) and drive to the end, being sure to park the car out of sight. Trail type no longer matters – you can set it straight or you can set it circular. You can set a rhomboid if you want.

And finally, if you’re like me, you can just buy off your mates by offering to pay for the beer. This works very well, and eliminates the need for physical exertion.

Good luck with your trail!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

The sagacious advice you’ve recently given to others has given me the strength to make public my life-long problem. You see, Dr. Down-Down, as a lad approaching puberty, I never had the privacy of having my own room to allow me to “quell” those masculine stirrings in my groins. Nor could I seek the solace of the bathroom. The door had no lock and the family had no hesitation in barging in without knocking.

My only shelter was the shower. I soon learned to masturbate while being hidden from prying eyes and ears by the sounds of the water tumbling onto the cast iron tub.

Entering the work force, my employer was too cheap to provide us with private rooms when traveling. I had to share with one or two other employees. Again, the shower became my salvation to relieve the frequent urgings that young men have.

Once married, I could still not escape my watery attachments. You see, my wife’s sex drive nowhere matched mine. Rather than making her feel inadequate by masturbating in her presence, I continued to seek out the solace of the pelting sprays of water to take care care of my needs.

My problem is this, Dr. Down-Down. Everytime it rains, I get a hard on.

Yours hopefully,
Three Skin
Hogtown H3

Dear Three Skin,

You got groins? Damn, I wish I had more than one . . . just think of the possibilities. Why, if the other one’s female, you could fuck yourself!

On On,
Dr. Down-Down

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