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Ask Doctor Down-Down: July 2005

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

A few days ago I donated my hair to a good cause. Why is it every time I go through this process, no matter what demands I make, I walk away with “Hill Rat” hair? Help me Doctor, I look like a congressional intern! I’m also having this burning desire to give Dubya a blow job. Should I just shave my head (who said head?) now before it’s too late?

On On,
Pay Per View

Dear Ms. View,

Hill Rat? Is that one of those Inside the Beltway things? Like calling Dulles International Airport a third world hellhole, or Ted Kennedy “Senator Bookmark” (because he’s normally propped up between two pages)?

I’ve been checking my records. This isn’t the first time you’ve asked me for hair-related advice. First, you told me you’d shaven yourself. A year or so later, you asked me how to uncolor your hair. So presumably you grew your hair back, then dyed it. Now you don’t like your haircut. You know, if you’d just go back to shaving yourself, you wouldn’t have all these problems. Oh, wait, now I remember¬†- it wasn’t your head you shaved!

Speaking of head, I’m disturbed to hear you’re having presidential desires. Just because you look like an intern doesn’t mean you have to act like one. Remember what happened to Monica? She still has that cigar smell.

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Last week two blokes from the States showed up at our hash. One was quite vocal in his criticism of everything we did. He didn’t like it that our hares pre-marked trail. He didn’t like it that our FRBs solved checks for slower hashers. He didn’t like it that some of our members walked rather than ran. He didn’t like our circle. Later, at the pub, I heard him tell his mate we weren’t real hashers. Doctor, we’re confused and hurt – where can we find a copy of the rules of hashing, so we can learn to be real hashers?

On On,
Hurt & Confused

Dear H&C,

The first thing I ever heard at the hash was “there are no rules.” Immediately followed, of course, by a long list of rules (never wear new shoes, no hats in the circle, keep your hands off the grand mattress’ tits, yadda yadda). I’ve been hearing hash rules ever since – and ignoring them. Because you know why? The only rule that counts is the first one: there are no rules.

Okay, okay, there’s a little more to hashing than “no rules.” I think all hashers will agree that the minimum requirements are a trail and the availability of beer. Beyond that, variety is the spice of hashing. How you mark trail is up to you. How far you run, and how hard, is up to you. Whether you drink the beer, or how much, is up to you. Yes, there are hard-core hashers, even entire kennels devoted to hard-core hashing – at any interhash, there’ll always be at least one busload of maniacs for the ball buster trail. But non-athletic hashers outnumber athletic hashers by a good margin – just count all the busloads headed for the turkey trail!

Absolutely, you and your friends are real hashers. Frankly, I’d say you and your friends are likely closer in spirit to hashing’s origins than your guest, who’d probably find something to bitch about at any hash other then his own, up to and including the Mother Hash – after all, don’t KLHHH hares pre-lay trail? Let’s hope this Yank visits several other hashes during his travels¬†- perhaps, by broadening his experience of hashing, he’ll eventually learn that there really are no rules!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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