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Ask Doctor Down-Down: August 2005

Dear Doctor Down-Down’s Piss Boy,

I don’t know what gods I have pissed of this week but I’ve been subjected to sitting next to smelly people on my flights. You’d think those folks would know about the benefits of a daily shower. I sure do, after all I’m a hasher and fully aware of my stench after running through sewage.

My next flight is going to be one of those 8 hour ones. Although I’ll be sitting in First Class due to my Bling-Bling Elite status, I’m still dreading it. What if the other Bling-Bling status people don’t shower? I’m trying to figure out how I can keep beyond sniffer distance. I considered the “blowing-up-a-condom-over-my-head” trick but then I realized when the condom popped, that could be a real mistake. The FAA probably wouldn’t like it much.

My question to you now is what can I eat or drink to get the stinkiest farts? If you can’ beat ‘em, join ‘em I always say.

On On!
Pay Per View

Dear Ms. View,

Gosh, mail for me, the lowly the piss boy? I’m starting to feel like Mikey on American Chopper, stealing the show from Paul Sr. and Paul Jr. But then again, Doctor Down-Down’s been on a bender the past two months, so he probably doesn’t give a shit.

You wanna stink? Try pork. And gin. The two deadliest fart-makers known to man. Me, though, I’d take another route. Keeping in mind that first class passengers emit the same odors as the proles in steerage, I’d forego first class and instead ask for Seat 29E. Because when you’re sitting in Seat 29E, it doesn’t matter what your seatmates smell like.

You haven’t heard of Seat 29E? It’s famous, thanks to an in-flight e-mail sent to Continental Airlines by an irate passenger with a laptop:

Dear Continental Airlines,I am disgusted as I write this note to you about the miserable experience I am having sitting in seat 29E on one of your aircraft. As you may know, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out my left arm and touch the door.All my senses are being tortured simultaneously. It’s difficult to say what the worst part about sitting in 29E really is: Is it the stench of the sanitation fluid that’s blown all over my body every 60 seconds when the door opens? Is it the wooosh of the constant flushing? Or is it the passengers’ asses that seem to fit into my personal space like a pornographic jig-saw puzzle?

I constructed a stink-shield by shoving one end of a blanket into the overhead compartment - while effective in blocking at least some of the smell, and offering a small bit of privacy, the ass-on-my-body factor has increased, as without my evil glare, passengers feel free to lean up against what they think is some kind of blanketed wall. The next ass that touches my shoulder will be the last!

I am picturing a boardroom full of executives giving props to the young promising engineer that figured out how to squeeze an additional row of seats onto this plane by putting them next to the LAV. I would like to flush his head in the toilet that I am close enough to touch, and taste, from my seat.

Putting a seat here was a very bad idea. I just heard a man groan in there! This sucks!

Worse yet, is I’ve paid over $400.00 for the honor of sitting in this seat!

Does your company give refunds? I’d like to go back where I came from and start over. Seat 29E could only be worse if it was located inside the bathroom.

I wonder if my clothing will retain the sanitizing odor . . . what about my hair! I feel like I’m bathing in a toilet bowl of blue liquid, and there is no man in a little boat to save me.

I am filled with a deep hatred for your plane designer and a general dis-ease that may last for hours.

We are finally decending, and soon I will be able to tear down the stink-shield, but the scars will remain.

I suggest that you initiate immediate removal of this seat from all of your crafts. Just remove it, and leave the smoldering brown hole empty, a good place for sturdy/non-absorbing luggage maybe, but not human cargo.

So forget the pork, but do drink the gin, and lots of it. Then sit in Seat 29E and pretend you’re in the Circle! The trip’ll be over before you know it.

On On,
Flying Booger, Piss Boy

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