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Ask Doctor Down-Down: February 2006

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

After hashing for 18 years, I have discovered that most of my sexual fantasies usually have a hash setting nowadays. Sex at a hash event, sex with a hasher, sex with hashers, sex with hashers I’ve met, sex with hashers I’ve heard about, sex in front of hashers, sex while thinking about the hash, or all of the above. Do I need medication for this?

On On!
Teats de Swamp

Dear Ms. Swamp,

Not medication, but you should at least carry a pack of condoms in case your partners forget. Ah, sex and hashing. What a combination! I remember ZiPpY saying, many years ago, that he’d seen so many harriettes naked his new sexual fantasy was dressing them in his mind.

I was talking with a harriette at our local hash last weekend, and the stories she told me . . . well, Ms. Swamp, I was shocked. Shocked. It seems the hash is a hotbed of sex! Hotbed! Sex! Heh heh. Sex with other hashers, sex on trail, sex in the circle, sex at on-afters, sex in the B-van, sex at mismanagement, sex at the AGM, sex at interhashes, sex on the hash bus, sex on the hash train, sex on the hash plane, sex on top of the keg . . . well, suffice it so say you’re not the only harriette with a hash sex wish. Damn, now I’m all horny. Where’s Nurse Wretched? Off having sex, no doubt. At the hash.

Maybe those Rumson guys are right. No bimbos at the hash, no sex at the hash. Er, except for same-sex sex at the hash. Oh, girl, now you’ve opened up a can of worms. Like we need more hash sex than we already have!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Yesterday I saw this symbol on the back of a car:

Hash Fish

I pulled in front of the driver and slammed on my brakes, forcing him to stop, then jumped out of my car to ask him what it meant. He told me it was a Hash House Harrier fish. I googled Hash House Harriers and found links to your advice column and the Half-Mind Catalog. I’m writing to you because you’re a representative of the Hash House Harriers.

Did you know you’re going to burn in hell, you and your Hash House Harrier friends? Jesus holds all of you responsible for this blasphemous perversion of His sacred fish, not just the warped sicko who designed it. I’d pray for your souls, but it’s far too late for you and your kind. You’re damned for all eternity. Don’t be calling on God to save your sorry asses, because you’ve turned your backs on Him!

Now that right-thinking Christians know about your sinful club, don’t be surprised when we show up at hash events to kick your heathen asses!

Righteously Yours,
Rev. Pat Robertson

Dear Reverend,

Hashers come in all colors, sexes, and religions. Many of us regard hashing as a religion in itself, and we evangelize to the uninitiated, just as you do with your faith.

What we don’t do, however, is threaten people who don’t share our love of hashing. We don’t torch newspaper offices and foreign embassies because someone published a stupid cartoon. We don’t insist that libraries remove books. We don’t deny scientific truth – evolution, global warming, the age of the earth and the universe, you name it – because the facts don’t line up with holy writ. We don’t condemn a generation of Africans to death by AIDS because we disapprove of condoms (see the previous letter if you have any doubts on that score). We don’t burn down villages or engage in ethnic cleansing. We don’t condemn other people to eternal hell.

Why do so many religious people do those things? You know, at the hash and in the circle afterward, all bets are off, and people say the most incredibly offensive things to each other. But it’s all in fun, we all get along, and when it’s time to go home, we’re all still friends. Maybe you should try hashing.

And the next time you see one of those hash fish, think of it as a religious symbol, not a slap at your own religion.

Oh, and fuck you.

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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