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Ask Doctor Down-Down: April 2006

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I took some virgin friends to the hash last week, and the very first song they heard at down-downs was some horrible thing that had nothing to do with hashing at all (it was about fellatio, and very graphic). I’m embarrassed to death, and afraid to call my friends because they probably think I took them to some kind of pervert sex club. What should I do?

On On,
Grossed Out

Dear Grossed,

You know, I could say something snarky, but I’m with you. The hash is known for bawdy songs, but bawdy’s one thing and just plain pornographic’s another. It’s like hash names: they used to be interesting, but nowadays they’re all combinations of the words fuck and cunt. What’s up with that?

I’ll tell you what’s up: smart hashers have abdicated their responsibility to keep stupid hashers in line. Smart hashers leave the circle when stupid hashers start singing about shooting their wads on girls’ faces, or coming up with names like Fucking Cunt and Cunting Fuck.

Smart hashers, stand up and be counted! The hash needs you now, more than ever! If you don’t speak up when the stupids start their stupid shit, the stupids’ll just keep dragging the hash down, down, down, down . . .

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Virgin Hare here. What’re good strategies for hiding cool refreshment in high-traffic areas?

On On!
Virgin Hare

Dear Virgin,

Now here’s an interesting hash-related problem, for a change. I’ll try to give you a useful answer . . . for a change.

Stashing beer in the shiggy is one thing; hiding it at the mall is another. Any time you hide a cooler full of beer in a public area, the beer - and the cooler too - is liable to vanish long before the pack gets to it. The longer the interval between hiding and drinking, the higher the risk of discovery. But if you’re a single hare and you have no one to help you, hiding the cooler may be your only option. Decent hiding places are usually behind buildings, where the public doesn’t normally go. You can hide your stuff in one of those enclosures where businesses keep their dumpsters, for example, or behind a stack of pallets - but you still run the risk some employee will find it.

It’s better if you have a car. If you can stash a car on trail, you can leave the refreshments in the trunk. Your only problem now is to decide which member of the pack gets the key - or, alternatively, you can put one of those magnetic hide-a-key boxes under one of the fenders, and simply tell the pack where to look for it when they get there. Oh, yeah, don’t forget to make a beer check mark by your car, or the pack’ll be stopping at every car they come across, feeling around under the wheel wells!

Better yet? A friend who’s willing to be your “beer angel.” Have your beer angel drive the car to the beer check and wait for the pack. When the pack appears, the beer angel hops out and opens the trunk. What could be simpler?

Hope this helps you plan a kick-ass inaugural trail. Since you’re having a beer check, you’re already 99% of the way there!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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