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Ask Doctor Down-Down: May 2006

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I wonder how others in the world view the use of violent (to the human body) practices in the circle such as ice (as a seat rather than a means of keeping beer cold) and chili sauce, food colouring, etc, in down-downs?

In view of the ever tolerant attitudes emerging in the world coupled with an increased revulsion against violence, will these practicies soon be seen in the same light as intercourse with siblings and farm animals is now seen; i.e., unacceptable?

Do we need to start planning for this day? Or should we, instead, suppress any discussion on the subject in case someone tries to suggest that beer damages the body?

On On!
Hughieeee Bllaaaaghrrr

Dear Mr. Bllaaaaghrrr,

After much parsing, I believe your intention is to chide tender-hearted hashers who deplore harsh or violent down-downs. Do I have that right?

Afraid you’ve come to the wrong shop. Not only am I tender-hearted, I’m an amateur hash historian, and I can tell you with authority that down-downs did not exist in the early days of hashing. Trail? Yes. Beer? Yes. A visit to the pub afterward? Yes. A circle? No. Down-downs? No. Circles and down-downs were introduced sometime during the 1970s, probably in Indonesia.

As for “ever tolerant attitudes” and an “increased revulsion against violence,” tell that to the folks in Darfur. Oh, you mean violence at down-downs! Sure, a lot of hashers oppose violent down-downs. And I’m with ‘em. That doesn’t mean I haven’t paid my dues: my bare ass has graced many a block of ice; I’ve been forcibly denuded; I’ve been variously covered in catsup, mustard, pickle relish, beer, sawdust, and flour. But I don’t like it, and if I were King of the Hash I’d outlaw such practices.

Why? See above. I don’t come to the hash to participate in live re-enactments of Lord of the Flies. Violent down-downs are nothing more than hazing. Hazing has no place in hashing.

Beer, on the other hand . . .

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Asshole “Doctor”,

In you’re last column you said stupid hasher’s were dragging the hash down by giving excellent hash names like Fuckface and Cuntlips. So whats wrong with names like that, and why do you call hashers who come up with great names stupid? You wanna know whose stupid? You are, asshole. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I suppose you think “Doctor Down-Down” is a good hash name. Well whats so good about it? What does it mean? Whats funny about it? If you were getting named at my hash, we would come up with something better than that. Like “Doctor Cunt Fuck.” Yeah. Jerk.

On On,
Silly Fucker

Dear Silly,

I guess “good” is a relative term. No, I’m not talking about relative as in your brother in prison . . . I’m talking relative as in what makes hashers happy. Obviously, you’re happy with your name, and giving other hashers “fuck” names makes you even happier. So in your terms, that’s good. You’d fit right in at my hash, where you could join Totally Fucked Up, My Name is Fucked Up, and Fucked in the Head in a rousing chorus of Fuck a Duck.

Other hashers, however, are not made happy by endless repetitions of “fuck.” They aspire to a higher level of discourse. They want hash names to be clever and to have something to do with the person being named.

Maybe the answer is to give every hasher two names. One name would include “fuck.” The other name wouldn’t. Thus, Thurston Bowel the Turd (Thurston, I’m not singling you out – just using you as an example) could also be known as Thurston Bowel the¬†Fucking Turd, depending on what section of the circle he’s standing in: the smart section or the stupid section.

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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