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Ask Doctor Down-Down: June 2006

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Some recent events have caused me to ponder the evolution of the hash. I have hashed for 28 years in an all-male hash, and in that time I have been witness to profound and disturbing changes in the hashing world.

I recently attended the 25th anniversary of a neighboring hash, where the results of hash evolution were plainly on display: bimbos in charge of everything, including the circle; infants everywhere, in stollers and carriages; on-afters at an Indian restaurant where conversation was dominated by “I hear the curry is very good here” discussions. Oh, and I was expected to sit between two babies. Under the pretext of going to piss, I beat a hasty retreat to my home and a martini.

Other observations on the current state of hashing:

  • Large and complex organizational structures
  • Length of hash ceremonies (i.e., circles, down-downs, ice, etc.) expanding in inverse proportion to the length of the trail
  • Lack of repect for the disrespectful
  • Sensitivity to rude language and insults concening races, creeds, sexual orientation, body mass, and so forth
  • Emphasis on the quantity of hashes and hashers rather than quality
  • Overemphasis on eating, particularly healthy food like fruit and vegetables

Archeological evidence suggests this evolutionary trend began in California. My travels to other hashes confirms that Family Value Hashing has become widespread.

I will leave it to others to decide if my observations are valid and to connect the dots of change to arrive at their own conclusions, but this old hashing dinosaur’s conclusion is best summed up by the last line from King Kong: “No, it was beauty killed the beast.”

On On!
Mr. Jackson

Dear Mr. Jackson,

I bought a Jesus fish. Then I bought a Darwin fish. Then I bought a Truth fish (the one where the Jesus fish eats the Darwin fish). Then I bought a Counter-Truth fish (the one where the Jesus fish pukes up the Darwin fish). Finally I bought a Hash fish and became one with the universe. If there’s a more evolved state than that, I don’t want to know about it.

You’ve given me much to think about, Mr. Jackson, but I’m going to confine this response to bimbos & kids (saving your other points for future columns).

In general, I’m with you. I joined Flying Booger’s men-only hash four years ago, and the experience has been rewarding. But I also belong to mixed hashes, and I rather like hashing with bimbos. As you mention, they are beautiful, and who does not want a little beauty in his life? Besides, most bimbos are good hashers . . . so long as there are no kids around. Then they change.

How do you keep mommies (and misguided daddies) from bringing kids to the hash? Offer them a monthly or biweekly family hash, and keep the family hash separate from the regular hash. Because this is where I totally agree with you: kids have no place at a regular hash, whether it’s all-male, all-female, or mixed.

It’s still okay to be prejudiced against kids, isn’t it? Kids aren’t protected under the PC clause, are they? I can still say kids at the hash suck, right? Because they do (as you and I have rightfully concluded).

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

As soon as I started writing this letter I got the most awful case of gas. It sounds like a Wookie’s coming out of my ass.

On On,
Pay Per View

Dear Ms. View,

I strongly suspect a case of beer farts, an avocational hazard of hashing!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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