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Ask Doctor Down-Down: November 2009

With Dr. Down-Down Without Dr. Down-Down

Dear Hasher, are you DFL, DOT, SOL? Well, cheer up! On-ins are closer than you think. Just ask Doctor Down-Down to show you the way!

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I want to get your take on hash cash. There’s a neighboring hash that recently raised their hash cash to $7, with the argument that they were losing money at $5 a head. When it was pointed out that $5 should cover every hasher for at least 6 beers before and after (the hare has to pay for the Beer Stop beer, is that normal?), they said that a lot of their hashers drink much more than 6 beers per hash. In fact, they blamed their beermeister, stating that he was buying too much beer: “if 6 cases are bought for 6 hashers, they’ll drink it all.” Hash cash also covers snacks, ice and water, but they drink the cheapest beer available, and it doesn’t add up to me. My hashing experience has been limited to up and down the East Coast, but I can’t recall paying more than $5 at a hash that drank cheap beer. What are your thoughts?

On On,
Thirsty But Poor

Dear Thirsty, I’m turning your question over to Flying Booger, who is more in touch with current hash fee structures than I am, at least since that unfortunate incident with the GM’s wife, when I was strongly advised not to show my face for a few months — Dr. D-D

Hey, Thirsty, Flying Booger here!

I think you answered your own question when you said “if 6 cases are bought for 6 hashers, they’ll drink it all.”

When I was GM of the Okinawa hash, I’d see hashers walk off afterward with gym bags stuffed full of beer cans. It got so bad our RA would start packing up the coolers as soon as the circle began winding down. Hashers would see him coming and grab as many beers as they could carry. Fortunately for us, we got beer on base super cheap and never had a problem with hash cash.

You could try limiting the amount of beer purchased — when it runs out, it runs out — but it sounds like the pack’s used to getting all the beer it wants, and there’d probably be a revolt. I know some hash kennels pride themselves on never running out of beer . . . and there will always be individual hashers who’ll test that to the limit. I was one of them!

Here in Tucson we’re managing at $5 per head for normal Saturday hashes, with a mixture of light and regular beer plus sodas, water, and snacks. The price goes up to $6 when the hares do beer checks on trail (the hash pays for one beer check on trail if the hares arrange it ahead of time, but if it’s a last-minute addition, it’s on the hares). I’m not aware that we’ve ever run out of beer, but maybe there aren’t that many heavy drinkers in our hash. Well, at least since I quit drinking . . . still, I’d trust the hash cash if he or she says the hash is losing money and needs to raise prices. Who else would know better? $7 doesn’t sound totally unreasonable to me for unlimited beer.

On On Behalf of Doctor Down-Down,
Flying Booger

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

What’s the deal with mother hashes? I belonged to an established hash here in California. I recently left that hash and started a new kennel in the same town. The GM of my old hash says I didn’t have “permission” to start a new hash and that my new hash isn’t “official” and can’t claim the old hash as its mother hash. I thought that was how it worked. Is there such a thing as an orphan hash?

On On,
Unwanted Child

Dear Unwanted,

According to hash tradition, hash kennels are descended from the kennel the founder hashed with. You hashed with Bumfuck H3; you started Son of Bumfuck H3; therefore Bumfuck is the mother of Son of Bumfuck, whether anyone in Bumfuck likes it or not. I just discovered I rather like typing Bumfuck!

I chose not to share your other letters, but my readers should know that in them, you describe a number of attempts by members of Bumfuck H3 to sabotage Son of Bumfuck H3 events.

Disputes within the hash sometimes result in bad blood. Hashers are human, and we can be as petty, spiteful, and childish as any mortal. But when it comes to rival kennels trying to fuck with each other, that’s some seriously bad blood. Look, if things are really as bad between Bumfuck and Son of Bumfuck as you say, why not just declare your new hash an orphan? Wear the orphan flag proudly!

Um, if I promise to leave your wife alone, can I come hash with Son of Bumfuck?

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

You let Flying Booger answer the first letter, and in his answer he said we should trust the hash cash. What the fuck? I’d never trust the hash cash. They’ll steal you blind every time. Maybe you shouldn’t let Flying Booger answer your letters. Is he even a doctor? I think not.

On On,
Been Burned Before

Dear BBB,

This may sound lame, but I think you’re both right. What Flying Booger meant to say was that in a pay-as-you-go hash, where they only collect enough money to pay the weekly beer and snack bill, you can generally trust the hash cash. Where you have to watch out is when the hash builds up a big bank account. That’s when temptation strikes, and as Gispert and every other hasher since knows, hashers are constitutionally unable to resist temptation.

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Now you’ve gone and insulted hard-working hash cashes everywhere. Where do you get off making accusations, you charlatan? God, your kind makes me sick. Fuck off and die.

On On,
Honest Hashcash Harriette

Dear HHH,

Flying Booger again. Dr. Down-Down locked his office door and won’t come out. Please accept this blanket apology, on behalf of Dr. Down-Down and the entire staff of the Holistic Healing Hospice:

To Whom It May Concern:

I did not intend to a) insult you, b) impugn your honor, c) say that thing about your mother (it just slipped out), d) puke in your car, e) take your last cigarette, f) overpump the keg and make the beer all foamy, g) leave true trail arrows when I wasn’t even the hare, h) forget to pay for the hash, i) abandon my wife & kids, j) vote Republican, k) erase the hareline tape, l) promise to hare and then not show, m) tell the circle about that thing you always do when you come, n) fart, o) steal the hash mascot, or p) start hash songs I don’t really remember. It was a) exuberance, b) inexperience, c) the beer, d) an idea that seemed funny at the time but that turned out to be horribly horribly wrong. I am really sorry and hope you will forgive me. It a) won’t, b) might, c) probably will happen again.

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