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Ask Doctor Down-Down: August 2009

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Here’s a hash question… why “range” (short cut) on a A to A dead trail? Isn’t ranging’s sole purpose to catch the hare? If one ranges on a dead trail, perhaps he/she just wants to win . . . so wouldn’t you then just run a tight circle around the start/finish to find the end of trail, just so you can get the FRB award?

Hashers are killing me!

On On,
Casual Friday

Note from Dr. Down-Down: Dear Casual, I don’t normally allow clinic staff to see patients’ letters, but our Piss Boy Flying Booger says he knows you and has a good answer for you, so I’m making an exception and turning your query over to him:

Yo Causal Friday!

Remember “K___” from Tucson? Yeah, that guy! Remember the time you set a scavenger hunt for the horrors at the family hash, and K___ ran ahead of the children and started snatching up the prizes before they could get to them? And remember how you and Green Flagger pulled him aside and read him the riot act, telling him the prizes were for the kids and not for the adults, and how he was being an asshole and spoiling the kids’ fun? And making them cry? Remember? And remember how he apologized, then ran ahead of the children again and snatched up all the rest of the prizes, like he didn’t hear a word you or Green Flagger said?

Well, remember K___ when hashers start ranging on A-to-A dead hare trails. Some hashers just don’t get it, never will, and you can’t let ‘em get you down!

On On,
Flying Booger
Piss Boy

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I came over to Texas a few months ago with the intention of:

  • Checking out the local Houston and Corpus Christie hashes
  • Sampling the local food and culture
  • Meeting the other friendly locals and enjoying my stay

However, having been here for about 10 weeks now it has been mostly uneventful and the dreaded work has interfered with most hashing attempts. Again there is a however. Somehow whenever I go hashing the police show up. In general they just tell me I m not supposed to be where I m at and to go away. This time was different, I was nowhere near the hash but the police showed up anyway! I had a bunch of possible offences: speeding, no license, and no insurance. Anyway, there I was in Houston municipal traffic court a few weeks later on Friday night. The judge was getting a bit lippy and said, You know I m an authority figure and you will address me as Your Honor and not just Mister to which I responded, Will you then address me as doctor? The judge asked Are you a doctor? I said It would be a lot more convincing coming from a judge. He dropped most of the charges and I got out of there with $127 in fines. Not bad for the original sum was closer to $900. Then on the way out of the court building I even had an indecent proposal from some hooker that was in for an overdue traffic offence and believed I was a doctor from Singapore! Then I got my rental car towed the next night because I thought it would be wise to take a taxi home after 17 beers and a few other mystery drinks, it turns out they tow all cars left any place overnight in Houston, the exception may be if it is in front of your own residence. That was $300 on Sunday, then a tooth filling came out, that was another $400 on Thursday. I m beginning to suspect this place could be expensive!

My question is, do you really have to be a doctor to be called Doctor or can you just add it in front of your name on your calling card and go from there?

On On,
Big Hammer from Lion City HHH

Dear Big,

I resent your insinuation, sir! I am a real doctor, with a PhD in Sociology from the Gippsland campus of Monash University! And it’s not an honorary degree either — I earned it by conducting a ground-breaking study of the masturbatory behavior of Australian women, some of whom, incidentally, introduced me to hashing and started me on the path that led, eventually, to my founding the Holistic Healing Hospice, a sexual therapy center for dysfunctional hashers.

As for your experience in Houston, I’d say you got off pretty cheap . . . they don’t take kindly to furriners around those parts.

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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