The editor wishes to correct certain misstatements, misrepresentations, and errors of fact.
Members of the Hash House Harriers are not entitled to automatic first-class upgrades on major international airlines. Hillary Rodham Clinton has at no time dined upon freshly slaughtered infants. Removing the catalytic converter from your automobile will not increase your rated horsepower by a “factor of two,” nor is it “legal in forty-nine states.” The all-beer diet is not in fact an efficacious way to lose weight. The average harrier’s penis is not twelve inches long when erect, as claimed, nor is its girth comparable to that of a beer can. Access Denied’s, for one, is considerably smaller. Taking Tylenol® in conjunction with large amounts of alcohol is not “safe as trains.” Citizens of the United States of America who attended InterHash 2004 in Cardiff are not exempt from state and federal income taxes, and must file along with everyone else. The moon is not an abstract concept popularized by Freemasons, but an actual physical object, albeit located at some distance from the Earth. You cannot survive a thirty-floor elevator plunge by “jumping at the last minute.” A. S. Gispert did not invent beer. “United Nations Plan 2701-B” is fictional, and middle-class white males are not currently at risk of international redistribution to ensure minority status. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas did not expose himself to Queen Elizabeth on the Oprah Show; the incident occurred on Dr. Phil’s show. Sigourney Weaver does not sneak over to my house on Tuesday evenings, and has in fact never performed oral sex on me. You should never ingest Drano® in any form, through any orifice. Some snakes, it appears, are poisonous after all, and should be handled with care. You cannot access scrambled cable channels by inserting a stiff copper wire through the ventilation slots on the back of an operating television set and “poking around until Playboy comes in clear,” nor do we recommend you try this technique. The sewers of Toronto are not inhabited by “radioactive rats the size of warthogs.” French people do not merely “gabble in a comical manner”; in spite of appearances, they speak a coherent, grammatical language with a long and distinguished history. The hasher known as “Higgins” has not been cloned, but merely travels a lot. The government has not, to the best of my knowledge, introduced cancer-causing agents into the national water supply in order to control rising social security costs. Reports that mad scientists altered rat genes to create the homunculus that represents itself to television viewers as “Rosie O’Donnell” are somewhat exaggerated, although there may be a grain of truth to it. The “X-Ray Contact Lenses” advertised on this site do not actually allow wearers to see through peoples’ clothing. Any functioning Mayan curses discovered on these pages by reading the contents backwards are purely coincidental and were not placed there on purpose. If and when you find said curses, you should exercise extreme caution in uttering them. Editorial statements proclaiming Fidel Castro’s death are pure speculation. Mother Teresa never “slobbed Clinton’s knob”; that was a joke, and in very poor taste. I have absolutely no data to back up my assertion that Princess Diana’s death was arranged by the International Land Mind Trust. Marilyn Vos Savant did not provide the egg that was incubated in my mother’s womb, and my actual IQ score is somewhat less than 257, as claimed in these pages. There is no “Queen Bitch Adultery Detector.” I understand that gratuitous hyperbole is a form of dishonesty, vow to avoid it in the future, and sincerely apologize for any inconvenience these misstatements may have caused my readers.
- Flying Booger