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Ask Doctor Down-Down: May 2009

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I have never had a problem bringing a few items of Hash Haberdashery with when I travel on a road trip. It is a nice way of offering new people some new Haberdashery for their own personal use. It also helps spread the word about your hash for those who might travel to your town. Many like this.

My question is about when to bring Haberdashery, within your local area, to other hashes in the area. Should this be wide open free enterprise? Should it be with local reciprocal arrangements? Should this be disallowed? For the most part, in this area, we don’t do it. But one individual is now consistently taking his Haberdashery, from the largest local hash, and selling it at the other local hashes. Their Hash Cash reserves are already overblown. Meanwhile, The small Moon Hashes that I represent and run have zero Hash Cash. We drink everything. Haberdashery comes out of my credit card and when I can’t sell it, I pay interest which wipes out any sort of profit. Last night this individual showed up, didn’t run, and while I am taking attendance, collecting Hash Cash, buying beer, conducting the circle, he is selling Haberdashery. Then when the circle is over, I can’t sell my Haberdashery because everyone already bought his. I never bring my Haberdashery to sell at the hash he runs. Others don’t either.

To make matters worse, he and I don’t get along well. Many disputes. I am trying to avoid yet another dustup over this. But meanwhile I pay more interest on my credit card because he sucked up my customers for his bloated Hash Cash reserves.

So this question is for those from large areas with multiple competing hashes. How does it work where you are from? Thanks.

On On,
Stymied Haberdasher

Dear Stymied,

Two bits of advice:

  • Get used to assholes
  • Don’t wait till the circle to start selling haberdashery

Now, as to your question, there’s nothing wrong with selling home hash T-shirts & stuff at away hashes. Everybody does that. But showing up at competing hashes in your own town to push haberdashery? And then not even participating in the hash? That’s just rude.

But so’s the whole concept of “competing hashes,” don’t you think?

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I live in South Australia, on the coast at Port Elliot, and we have a large over sixties community. Obviously although we like to walk with our partners, the difference in our pace does not always give the full benefit to the quicker walker. Do you have any suggestions for modified hash.

On On,
One Step at a Time

Dear One Step,

I think what you’re getting at is how to set up trail so that everyone finishes together. In hashes where there are both runners and walkers, the hares usually use difficult checks, long checkbacks, and loops to slow down the FRBs and give the slowpokes a chance to catch up. Alternatively, hares will lay separate eagle and turkey trails: longer and more difficult for the fleet of foot, shorter and easier for the aged, lame, and halt.

Now, how to ensure that fast and slow walkers finish together? One idea is to use regroups on trail, but no one really likes having to stop and wait for laggards. I mean, unless the hares leave beer at every regroup, what are you supposed to do while you’re waiting? My suggestion is to adopt pack arrows. Let the faster walkers carry chalk so that they can mark checks once they’re solved. That will allow slower walkers to avoid false trails and finish trail sooner.

Or you could just say fuck ‘em. Really, what’s the big deal with slower walkers coming in behind faster walkers? If DFLs are worried about the bucket running dry before they finish, they should step up the pace!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

After a crappy day at my dumb ass job, I decide to go out to my favorite hash bar and contemplate quitting. A nice guy at the bar offers to help me make a baby to sell. I signed a bar napkin and I think that may have been a contract. I’m home now but I think I breached something or other (at least that’s what he was saying as I stumbled to my cab). Do I need a lawyer or my head examined or both?

On On,
Nice Try

Dear Nice Try,

That guy was me, and yes, that was a contract. My place or yours?

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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