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Ask Doctor Down-Down: April 2009

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

At the Long Beach HHH, there’s a conflict over whether hashers must stand in the circle when down-downs are being celebrated or if they can sit on the ground or in lawn chairs, etc. One of our hashers adamantly states that “there is no hash in the world where hashers can sit in the down-down circle!” Others feel that it is of no consequence whether you stand or sit.

I know for a fact that people sit in the circle in the San Diego HHH.

What is the answer to this burning question?

On On,
Jock

Dear Jock,

They sit in the circle at the San Diego Hash? The doctor is shocked . . . er, actually, the doctor has hashed in San Diego, and isn’t shocked at all.

But the doctor has also hashed in Long Beach, and remembers the hash there as a staunchly stand-in-the-circle group, one where consequences would quickly befall anyone so rude as to sit down while the GM is addressing the flock. So what you’re really saying, Jock, is that trouble-makers have invaded LBHHH. My solution? Send ‘em down south to join those slackers in San Diego!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Some bimbo wrote you last month complaining how extra hash T-shirts and beige panties keep showing up in her laundry. I have the opposite problem: things disappearing. Socks, money, beer, you name it. Now I’m missing one of my favorite hashing shoes.

On On,
Shoeless Hasher

Dear Shoeless,

You know what really creeps me out? Seeing a shoe in the middle of the road. And it’s always a single shoe, never both of them. Like some dude was walking along and his shoe came off and he just kept walking? What the hell is up with that?

Wait a minute . . . are you the dude?

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I was out at the veterans’ hospital today and got to talking to some of the old guys there. They were discussing the branches of the service they were in, and then they got to talking about the sizes of their units. I arrived home very horny. Is there anything wrong with me?

On On,
Teats de Swamp, FBAC, SSDD, NASA

Dear Ms. Swamp,

Is it any wonder men roll their eyes when women say “size doesn’t matter”?

So now that I know what makes you horny, Ms. Swamp, I’m sending Flying Booger out to buy me a penis enlargement pump. I’m trying to decide between the Magnum™ (“increases both penis length and girth by using traction . . . a technique that African tribes have been using for years to enlarge their ears and lips”), the Fireman™ (“our staff member Anton was amazed how strong of an erection this device gave him with just a few pumps”), or the MD Premium™ (“includes an instructional pumping guide to get the most growth out of your equipment”). I’m inclined to go with the last one, purely out of professional courtesy.

My platoon is about to become a regiment, baby!

On On,
Doctor Down-Down

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