Dear Doctor Down-Down,
My little friends and I have been writing about ourselves on Facebook. There’s this thing called 25 Random Things About Yourself, and when you’re tagged you’re supposed to write 25 things about yourself, and also ask 25 of your most specialous friends to write 25 things about themselves. Doesn’t that sound fun? Anyway, of all my friends, I thought of you first, for all the wonderful help you’ve given me in the past, especially with the underwear thing, so tag, you’re it!
Pay Per View
Dear Ms. View,
My, that does sound like fun! Here are my 25 things:
1. I hashed once in 1958 and haven’t hashed since, but that one time was enough to learn all I need to know about hashing.
2. I haven’t paid my taxes since 1958, which is probably why I’ve never been appointed surgeon general.
3. My first car was a 1958 Ford. I lived in it for several years.
4. I lie about my age, which is really 58. No, really.
5. I was born with dark, luxuriantly full pubic hair, but when I became a teenager it went away and today I’m bald underneath.
6. My sexual fantasies involve voyeurism, frottage, thlipsosis, and tubs of warm spaghetti. And you, Ms. View!
7. My actual sexual activities involve masturbation.
8. The advice I give is poor and frequently dangerous (except for the advice I give you, Ms. View). My piss boy Flying Booger hides complaints and threats of legal action from me and thinks I don’t know about it. He’s really awesome.
9. I’m a lousy tipper.
10. I saw Nurse Wretched naked once and still have nightmares.
11. If it has alcohol in it, I’ve tried it. I once drank Sterno. Also good: opiates, hallucinogens, uppers, downers, cocaine when I can afford it.
12. I think I must cry myself to sleep . . . either that or I’ve been wetting the bed.
13. I kicked a dog once and wasn’t even sorry. Then he bit me and I was.
14. I’m deathly afraid of horses. And zombies.
15. My favorite color is black.
16. If it turns out the speed of light is the absolute limit and the only way we can ever get to Alpha Centauri is to embark on spaceships now and hope our great-great-grandchildren arrive there some day, well, that’s fine with me.
17. What’ll really piss me off, though, is if it turns out the Freemasons really do run the world, because I once had a chance to join and turned it down.
18. When people tell me their troubles, I put on a serious face and think about my hemorrhoid and how much it hurts. But not with you, oh never, no!
19. Most mens’ penises flop to the left or right. Mine hangs perfectly straight, because when I reached the age of puberty my testicles ascended. I know you wanted to know about that.
20. I cheated on every test I ever took, including this one. This is a test, right?
21. Mother Teresa? Fucked her.
22. There is $22.48 in my clinic’s bank account and I won’t be able to make payroll.
23. I thought The Onion was a real newspaper for the longest time and was hoping Area Man would run for president some day. Hey, I’d have voted for him!
24. I’m going on a bender, soon as this is over.
25. What were we talking about, exactly?
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