Hash Jive & Pearl of the Andes’ Inca Trail II was everything the pack had hoped for … and feared … and then some. Trail started in the Basha’s parking lot on Kolb and Sunrise, up in the foothills of the Santa Catalinas. If anyone thought beforehand there wouldn’t be hills, they knew better by the time they arrived at the start, which was surrounded by the damn things.
We paused for the group photo you see below before Hash Jive and Pearl strapped on their flour bags and mounted their bicycles. Present and accounted for were Wankers Aweigh, Loose Nut, Arthur Gash, Fuck Me, Flying Booger, Pick’n'Flick, Green Flagger, Snot Rocket, and a first-timer from the jHavelina H3, Two Fingers.
After giving the hares their token head start, the pack took off on trail, heading south and west into the hills. There were several up sections, but overall the first part of trail went gradually down, then steeply down, an ominous sign on an A to A trail because you know what goes down must eventually come up, but hey, it was fun while it lasted, and it lasted a long time, all the way to the dry riverbed we call the Rillito, where we rode west and then back east along the north and south banks.
Most of the pack made it to the Rillito, I should clarify. Unknown to us, Pick’n'Flick and Snot Rocket had lagged behind, and thus Pick’n'Flick was able to snag the hares as they began to lay trail uphill from the Rillito. As for the rest of us, we were following trail along the Rillito, hurrying to find flour before the ground squirrels ate it all.
Along the way we began to pass trail marks that didn’t look like they were laid by our hares. It turned out Inca Trail II crossed portions of yesterday’s jHavelina H3 trail, which had been laid by Two Fingers, so she was able to keep us from getting confused. Later on the south bank of the Rillito, Inca Trail II crossed parts of the PISS H3 trail I had laid two Sundays back. This town is getting too small for all the hashes in it!
Still, we managed to follow the correct trail, which had penguins to distinguish it. I thought maybe penguins were an Inca thing, but it turned out the hares drew them for Arthur Gash. Yeah, I’m confused too. It’s a Gash thing.
As we started back up from the Rillito (we had no idea just how much uphill was still to come) we followed Beer Near marks into a shopping center parking lot, where the hares, along with their captor Pick’n'Flick, were waiting for us on a restaurant patio. Talk about your upscale beer check: linen napkins and table service and all. I could get into this Inca thing!
Since we had ridden eight miles by this point, we decided to ride back to the start with the hares. After all, it was less than three miles back, according to our treacherous hares. And that’s where the Incas got their revenge, because it was up, up, up all the way back. I for one have never worked so hard on a bicycle. Fuck me pedaled so hard she shredded her chain and had to be rescued by a total stranger with a pickup truck. And it was a bit more than three miles back to the start, as it turned out: my finishing mileage was just under fourteen.
But hey, we all made it back, and no one cheated by taking a ride from Loose Nut, who beat us all back to the start and then doubled back on trail in his van, offering to rescue anyone who was near death. On-afters were at the Risky Business pub next to Basha’s, where we were joined by Zorro, who broke his bike and couldn’t make the actual trail.
Inca Trail II was a truly shitty trail. Thank you, Hash Jive and Pearl of the Andes!
Arthur Gash & Fuck Me will hare the June Pedalfiles, and Loose Nut is doing July. Stand by for announcements and details!
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About Flying Booger Hash House Harrier, man about town.