Your regular correspondent wasn’t able to make the bash yesterday due to another commitment … thank goodness for our GM, Redheaded Woodpecker, who did go bashing and took the trouble to write a trash! – Flying Booger
Four souls appeared on a beautiful day at the beautiful Twenty-Thirty city park located in beautiful east side Tucson anticipating a beautiful cycling adventure with nothing but beautiful blue skies, beautiful sun, a gentle and kind breeze … ahh you get the picture. Our virgin hare, Virgin Mary was joined by Missed a Spot, Spot Remover, and Red Headed Woodpecker. Little did we know the perils that were in store for our brave but sadly fated pack. We needed a sermon from our RA but he was administering last rites to those participating in the Tumacacori 100. We were on our own. Our hare, having told us a thoroughly convincing set of Hare lies (short trail, plenty of flour, no hills, etc), departed promptly at 9:07AM per the clock on my cycling computer. Oddly enough, everyone’s wrist watches read 6:66. We were doomed. Gremlins and goblins cursed us all and laughed. Before departing, Virgin Mary gave Spot Remover and Missed the Stop the keys to her house. Spot Remover was heard to say something about a demon having taken up residence in his stomach. The two of them left for Virgin Mary’s house for some sort of ritual, mumbling incantations in some unknown tongue as they departed.
The pack reassembled and were off, the skies ominous and foreboding as we took a westerly course meandering through the neighborhoods. Soon the pack came upon a CB 10. Backtracking, the pack was astounded, absolutely sure this was trick and not a treat. The trail actually turned at 10 powders!!! The ghosts of pedalfiles cyclists long ago were riding with us this day. Or so we thought. Soon we were BVC’d crossing Craycroft, 5th avenue, Swan, out onto Broadway and finally to the safety of the Reid Park bike path. Into Arroyo Chico and all was well. Change was coming. Across Country Club and south on Treat Ave. Treat!?! No treat there as the pack next crossed 22nd and descended into Bario Centro. Ghoulish behavior was everywhere, ghosts, goblins, witches, headless horsemen, headstones and crypts. An evil spirit blinded the pack to trail and led us off into uncharted territory. A benevolent entity took pity upon us, removed the spell and guided the pack back to powder and the trail. Once again the pack warily continued. Soon we came upon a soul eater carrying a death scythe. Ok, it was a guy with a gas powered leaf blower but in our present state of mind, he was one and the same. The soul eater waved us on as it was not our time. A black cat appeared, attempting to cross our path. With a wild shout from the pack, “back to hell you fiend” the cat hissed and returned to whence it came. East we went, searching for a beer check we knew lay ahead. Suddenly, a screeching that could only come from a banshee or from someone having to watch the presidential debates. We should not have looked but we could not prevent it. And there it was. It was hideous. It was huge, shirt riding up, pants riding low to reveal a massive tattooed back side with butt crack to match. The ogre was eating a child who could not escape. The pack was momentarily paralyzed but managed to stay astride their bikes and pedaled on.
We continued east, across Alvernon Way, Columbus St, Swan. Soon we found the hare lounging at a park with a cooler of liquid libations. A well needed rest indeed for the weary pack. The hare departed soon and shortly thereafter, the pack as well. To Craycroft and the next shout from the devil. The mid-block crosswalk button was pressed and traffic dutifully adhered to the flashing red lights and stopped. The pack proceeded across only to be shouted down by a passenger in a stopped vehicle, leaning out of the car window and bellowing that is was illegal for us to ride our bikes across a designated crosswalk. Spot Remover and I ignored this legal challenge as we were not actually “in” the yellow striped crosswalk assuming we and the passenger understood the definition of “in.” Missed a Spot succumbed to the legal precedent of crosswalk law as cited by a legal scholar leaning out of a ’94 Ford Taurus. Having nearly rode completely across Craycroft on her bike, she dismounted, walked her bike back to the middle of the street, the center of the four lanes, turned around, and walked her bike back to the east side of the street. Judge and jury were satisfied although miffed at the obvious delaying tactics of the accused. Legal issues aside, the pack pressed on returning to the start at Twenty-Thirty Park. There, the hare congratulating the pack, handed out habenero peppers cleverly disguised as orange Halloween candies. Soon, Spot Remover and Missed a Spot were chugging water, eyes tearing. Virgin Mary just smiled but soon frowned when she realized not all had not taken the bait. “I’ll get you my pretties…” With that, the flying monkeys flew off and the skies were blue once again.
On-afters were at BJ’s Brew House. The hare was toasted for a sh*tty trail and Spot Remover was awarded the sh*T for not realizing that left turn does not mean to continue straight ahead. He thinks his bike was possessed.
I want to thank Virgin Mary for haring a very good virgin trail. Hopefully she enjoyed the experience and will do it again. I also want to thank those who hared in August and September and to Flying Booger for being there while I was unavailable. Next month hash is on November 18th, the day after el Tour de Tucson. I will be riding the tour although only the 60 mile distance. As such, I will be the hare in November at a start to be announced. Be aware of the start time as it MAY move to 10AM. Watch your e-mails.
Also on a Pedalfiles personal note, unless the current hashmaster of the Pedalfiles (me) has completely gone insane, this month (or was it last month or next month … WHATEVER) is the 7th anniversary of the pedalfiles. What say you RA? Either way, we salute our grand-matttresses, Bimbo by Day and Casual Friday for initiating the Pedalfiles. Rise and toast to their vision, “They’re all right, they’re all right …”
May the hash go in peace! On-on!
Note: Too true, Woodpecker: Pedalfiles H3 was founded in Oct 2006 by Bimbo by Day and Casual Friday. I missed our 7th On-Oniversary! The shame! — Flying Booger
© 2012, Flying Booger. All rights reserved.
About Flying Booger Hash House Harrier, man about town.