Half-Mind Weblog

Flying Booger's repository of dubious Hash House Harrier wisdom

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© 2004-2019 Paul Woodford. All rights reserved.

The Half-Mind Weblog is a Gang of Six™ Production

Ask Doctor Down-Down

With Dr. Down-Down Without Dr. Down-Down

Dear Hasher, are you DFL, DOT, and SOL? Well, cheer up! On-ins are closer than you think. Just ask Doctor Down-Down to show you the way!

Dear Readers,

As you know, Dr. Down-Down is serving out a 99-year mail fraud sentence at the Laramie Men’s Correctional Facility and unable to answer your letters. I continue to forward all your letters to him, and as far as I know the guards let him read most of them (not the sexy ones, but thanks anyway, Pay Per View). The problem is he’s not allowed to have sharp objects like pencils or pens, so he can’t answer. I read your letters too, but have recently been diagnosed with severe osteoarthritis and will have to undergo knee replacement surgery soon. In other words, both the Doctor and myself are taking an enforced break from hashing.

Over the past year I’ve received a number of reader queries addressed to Dr. Down-Down. Sometimes the best advice comes not from experts (ahem), but from our fellow hashers. So I’m going to include those letters here, and hope that readers will offer advice and suggestions in the comments. Who knows? Some of the answers we get may be better than the ones we’d come up with ourselves.

Some of these letters have been anonymized. Others not. I flipped a coin to decide.

On On,
Flying Booger (former Piss Boy)


Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Dear Dr. Down-Down,

If a hare lays trail in the woods, but there’s no hash that day, is it still a shitty trail?

On On,
Rarely Laid Harrier


Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Out of control virgins. What do you do with them? I was at an out of town hash event, and some other non-local hashers came, one of them bringing a virgin. Friday night, said virgin was quite drunk, and blatantly eye-fucking every girl in the bar, usually from right next to them. They weren’t digging it, and neither were we. Oh, and he peed himself in his buddy’s van when he passed out.

Saturday was the hash. I was assigned as his “drunk hasher,” because I guess they think I’m a runner and also I called “not it.” He drank some before the hash, don’t know how much. Drank more during the hash. He started to have trouble dodging trees and jumping streams, and was obviously quite drunk after two beer stops.

He made more inappropriate comments to women after trail, and we eventually put him in time-out. My eventual question is, holding his sponsor responsible for his behavior is correct, isn’t it? The guy said he hadn’t ever drunk with the virgin before, and that it wasn’t his job to control the guy, but when you bring someone to the hash, especially when you’re 2 hours from home and we can’t just send him away, aren’t you in charge of the virgin?

On On,
Not a Fan of Drunks


Dear Doctor Down-Down,

Am I wrong or are Hash Trashes in state of decline? When I started hashing with the SFH3 in 1988 there was one handed out every week. In a 1,000 *uns the Gypsies have never missed a written Trash being handed out and now we post it on the webpage as well. Lately I find visitors and even some SFH3 people are surprised that we have a Trash, some people don’t even know what a Trash is and some remark that their hash has them but intermittently. I find this sad but in keeping with other traditions that go by the wayside. There is, I believe an important difference; the Trash is hash history. The Trash is the history of their hash and that should matter to hashers. The Trash lets hashers know where their hash came from and perhaps where it’s heading. It lets pack members know who came before them and it celebrates their hash’s traditions. I hate to see them go out of fashion.

On On,
Tongueless, Gypsies in the Palace H3


Dear Doctor Down-Down,

About 2 years ago a transplanted hasher moved to my town. He was determined to make his mark. He became the GM of one of the local hashes (they always struggle for officers).

He wrote a letter to the GM of a hash in a neighboring town expressing his desire to improve that hash. This letter was practically a resume and promised reference and letters of commendation.

The other GM acceded to this request and the new guy set up a yahoogroup email list for the neighboring hash. Since that time the new guy made it very public that he wanted the email list to post emails that concerned upcoming hashes and nothing else. He recently polled the email list and got 16 replies out of 132 hashers. On the basis that 8 of the votes agreed with him he decreed that the subject hash would never post any emails except those explicitly dealing with upcoming hashes … at the same time the subject hash could advertise their events at all other hashes … this is how the subject hash is now home to an exclusive elite.

It is a sad state of affairs that one of this area’s most well-known invitational hash runs cannot be advertised on the email list now the new guy has taken over.

I personally condemn this anti-social and anti-hash behavior in the strongest terms.

On On,
Angry Displaced Local Hasher


Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I have someone who started the hash, but only shows up about once a month at best. When they show up, they expect to run everything even though no one in the group knows who they are, or particularly likes the person. Neither one of these is really a problem except that she likes to just scream “shut the fuck up” to the point where people say they don’t want to come anymore.

So I told her, she needs to stop doing this. Her response is I don’t care what they think.

I can’t reason with I don’t care. Have you seen this happen before? Do you know how it was handled?

On On,
Besieged by Assholes


Dear Doctor Down-Down,

I need some advice on starting a new hash; specifically, how to tell current local hash mismanagement about it without coming across as “you guys suck”? Also, since the existing hash has never actually had a set day of the weekend to hash on, or set weekend, for that matter, do you attempt to force a “we hash every other Sunday, you have every other Saturday” to avoid competition, or is it more of a “let’s just see who likes which?” You can use my name in the column, I don’t hide my issues and struggles from those I’m close to at the hash, and don’t really care about the rest.

On On,
Name Not Included
Visit the Ask Dr. Down-Down Archives

© 2012, Flying Booger. All rights reserved.

About Flying Booger  Hash House Harrier, man about town.


1 comment to Ask Doctor Down-Down

  • Dear Doctor Down Down,

    Members of our hash attended an out of town event near Montgomery, Al several years ato. The venue included a boat house complete with docks. Eventually a last man on the dock contest ensued. I was pushed toward the water by a fairly new hasher in our own hash. My finger ended up twisted in his tank top before it gave loose and I ended up in the lake.

    I spent the rest of the weekend hashing with a home made spint on my finger. No ibuprofen to be found. Thank goodness for the numerous kegs.

    Upon my return to Rocket Shitty in Huntsville , AL. I learned that the joint (get your mind out of the ’60s weed) was broken. Later the next day the joint got pinned to help it heal.

    Luckily, to my wife’s surprise, that joint is the largest one on that hand. Do I admonish the hasher that tried to push me off the dock or do I thank him?

    On On,
    Smoking Wiener

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