Dear Doctor Down-Down,
Remember that pornographic bestiality letter A____ D____ posted to Hash-L a few months ago? The one about the husband who came home and saw his wife getting it on with the dog? Well, I was surprised to notice I had this huge chubby after reading that letter, and ever since then I’ve had an inexplicable urge for Gravy Train after sex. Am I coming down with bestiality?
On On,
An Anonymous Hasher
Dear Anonymous,
Who am I to say what’s “normal” when it comes to sex? Especially when it involves hashers! But help, as I keep telling my patients, is never far from hand, so to speak: those good folks at the Christian Center for Creative Guilt have come out with just the thing for you . . . the Bestiality Questionnaire®! Take this simple test now, in the privacy of your home:
1. Do you have a pet?2. Do you ever pat, rub, stroke, fondle, tickle, or cuddle your pet?3. Do you sometimes wake up in the same bed with your pet, even though you can’t remember taking it to bed with you the night before?4. If your pet is a cat, do you enjoy it when it rubs against your legs?5. If your pet is a dog, do you enjoy it when it gazes worshipfully into your eyes?6. Did you give your pet a special nickname?7. When you’re having conflicts with other people, do you find that you prefer the company of your pet instead?8. Do you sometimes feel like you need to be with your pet first thing in the morning? Before noon?9. Can you find dog or cat hair on your clothes? Right now, at the office?10. Have you ever gone to work with cat scratches on your hands and wrists, and hoped you would not have to explain them to co-workers?11. Do you become irritated when people criticize pets?12. Do you become very irritated when people criticize your pet?13. Do you bathe your pet?14. Have you avoided buying your pet a mate of its own species, fearing that you would lose its affection?15. Do buy extra pets and hide them around the house so that you won’t ever be without one?16. Do you ever talk “baby-talk” to your pet?17. Do you allow your pet to sit in your lap? Frequently?18. Do you allow your pet to see you naked in the bathroom?19. Have you ever had sex when your pet was in the same room?20. Have you ever had sex with your pet?21. Have you ever had sex with your pet in a closet?22. Is your name “ZiPpy?”Any yes answer indicates a probable symptom of bestiality.More than one yes answer indicates the presence of bestiality.
A yes answer to # 20 means you’re going to burn in hell forever.
A yes answer to # 21 means you’re a closet bestiaphile.
A yes answer to # 22 indicates a healthy, perfectly-normal erotic interest in fleece-bearing ungulates.
On On,
Dr. Down-Down