That’s one of the headlines on today’s Gothamist, an online news aggregator for the New York City area:
Gothamist is better known for linking to news articles that suggest the opposite: they run story after story of NYC cops and courts letting drivers go after they’ve maimed or killed pedestrians and bicyclists. Here’s a more typical Gothamist car/pedestrian/cop headline:
I’ve been reading Gothamist for a couple of years now, and until today believed New Yorkers could kill with impunity, so long as they used cars to do it. Naturally, this story about cops shooting at a driver who failed to yield to a lowly pedestrian grabbed my attention. Is Mayor de Blasio forcing NYC cops to start enforcing traffic laws? I had to learn more, so I clicked through.
Sadly, no. The headline did not in any way match the content of the story. Here’s what I got when I clicked the link:
… shortly before 5 p.m. on Tuesday … cops assigned to a pedestrian safety detail pulled him over after he failed to yield to a pedestrian in the crosswalk at Morris Park Avenue and White Plains Road. When the uniformed officers approached his van, Henry allegedly sped off, striking a parked car in the process.
According to the NYPD, the officers followed Henry to Morris Park Avenue and Taylor Street, where he plowed his black Chrysler Town and Country up onto the sidewalk. When officers approached the vehicle a second time, Henry allegedly drove straight at them, so they opened fire at the vehicle. Henry sped off a second time, but then crashed into a telephone pole at Wyatt Street and Morris Park Avenue. … The Wild West joyride ends there. Cops took Henry, 39, into custody without further incident. …
Huh. The cops didn’t open fire on the perp for failing to yield right of way to a pedestrian. They opened fire on him because he tried to run them over, as any cop anywhere would do. NYC drivers, you may continue to maim and murder bicyclists and pedestrians. The cops, as always, could give a shit. Just don’t go after the cops themselves.
Gothamist headline writers, did you consider any of the following? Any one of them could be technically true, after all:
- Cops Open Fire On Bronx Driver Who Forgot To Shave
- Cops Open Fire On Bronx Driver Who Left 7% Tip At Restaurant
- Cops Open Fire On Bronx Driver With Obama/Biden 2012 Bumper Sticker
- Cops Open Fire On Bronx Driver Who Failed To Hang Crucifix From Rearview Mirror
I quickly learned to quit clicking on those Upworthy links that have taken over my Facebook feed. You’ve seen them, the teasers that try to lure you with headlines like this: A Little Girl Who Isn’t Allowed To Play Outside, And The Startling Reason Why. Because if you click the link and read the story, you are never startled. You are never amazed. You are never surprised. What you are is had.
But Upworthy headline writers merely use come-ons and enticements. The tool Gothamist editors deployed today was the lie, and that’s a pretty serious tool. You only get to use it once. With me, anyway. Assholes.
Also, too … when did headline writers start capitalizing conjunctions and prepositions? Is this going to be the next one-space-instead-of-two-after-a-period relaxation of the rules? In five years, are readers going to consider me an out-of-touch crank for sticking with the old rules on headline capitalization?